~ today in therapy ~ 

(continuing this thread:
mastodon.social/@nicknicknickn
which is itself a continuation of this birb thread
twitter.com/nickfourtimes/stat)

~ today in therapy ~
the part of me that wants to be adult, serious, in control; and the part of me that is vulnerable, desperate, hurting; and the disinformation between the two.

#todayintherapy

~ today in therapy ~ 

forcing myself to do the opposite of what i want to do; i've spent so much time alone that i isolate myself despite wanting support and having it available. why.

~ today in therapy ~ 

how much i hide away and keep to myself (for fear of what?), how much i relate with both deckard and the replicants – a shapeshifting, immature, dangerous, ambiguous agent that can blend in but is always at risk of being found out.

cf. friend.camp/@nicknicknicknick/

this actually connects with something i noticed where i do claim to prefer being quiet and on my own – i've practiced being alone for so long that i've come to valorise it – but if i feel vaguely safe enough in a conversation i can prattle on for hours and thoroughly enjoy it, something i'd previously denied myself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

sexuality! finally!
specifically teenage sexuality.
also the overlap between my online friends in the kink and game studies circles, respectively, and the concept of the magic circle common to both.

~ today in therapy ~ 

using forgetfulness at some level as an aggressive defence of my assumed/enacted independent identity; and other reasons why i internalise anger: it avoids negotiation, my only experience with anger has been at the extreme, i don't know how to "use" anger except for destruction & self-confirmation.

~ today in therapy ~ 

therapy was cancelled this week, but how about this #tbt to this time last year. still working on this, still working on lots.
[birb] twitter.com/nickfourtimes/stat
#todayintherapy

~ today in therapy ~ 

still anger.
anger as assertion; how i've trained myself to hide/ignore anger to avoid challenging people, to maintain a status quo. how this plays out as a constant performance & self-denial, a lack of identity in any situation, of identity in general. could "practising anger" as assertion help/have helped my definition of self...

~ today in therapy ~ 

i see every failure as a sign that i don't belong/am unwanted. after decades of (mundane!) failures i feel absolutely lost, alone, without identity. i want understanding/rapport but don't know what that looks like b/c i feel alien & unknown to everyone, depersonalised from myself.

~ today in therapy ~ 

i feel inflexible and incapable of negotiation in the abstract sense. i hold onto an ideal of a static, fully-capable individual, and recoil when i don't meet that. i also want to achieve a more flexible, rhizomatic, insightful being. it'll take some work.

~ today in therapy ~ 

insecurity.
i've internalised the rhetoric of rationality and feel ashamed when i can't realise it; everything has to be earned, validated, and codified; at the same time i'm scared of others who claim to be purely rational; we've cauterised a part of ourselves. i want emotions, i want connection; i'm scared of fitting in & disappearing.
#todayintherapy

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~ today in therapy ~ 

@nicknicknicknick I won't forget you 😊

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